Intentional Leaders Podcast with Cyndi Wentland

Unlocking Growth: The Transformative Power of Regret by Daniel Pink

• Cyndi • Episode 141

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Can regret actually be a powerful tool for growth and clarity? Join us as we unravel the surprising benefits of regret with insights from Daniel Pink's latest book, "The Power of Regret." Inspired by Pink's compelling presentation at the Association for Talent Development conference, we explore how regret can help us refine our values and improve decision-making. Pink's extensive research, including the enlightening World Regret Survey, reveals four core categories of regret: foundational, boldness, moral, and connection. Learn how to process these regrets to turn them into actionable insights for both personal and professional development.

Reflecting on past regrets can be a powerful catalyst for future success. In this episode, we emphasize the importance of staying connected with loved ones and how self-reflection can lead to better life choices. Drawing from Pink's findings, we encourage listeners to participate in the World Regret Survey and write down their own regrets to gain valuable perspectives. This practice not only minimizes future regrets but also fosters a stronger sense of personal empowerment. Don't miss out on this transformative discussion that promises to reshape your understanding of regret and its potential to enhance your life.

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Speaker 1:

So if you know Daniel Pink, raise your hand. I can't see it, but Daniel Pink is a really well known author and speaker. He specializes in business work and behaviors. He's very famous particularly for his book called Drive, and it was about motivation. I've used it in my training classes for years and years. His work often combines psychology, economics, sociology and he really enjoys giving very practical advice for improving performance and satisfaction, both personally and professionally. I recently saw him at the Association for Talent Development conference and I purchased his newest book, which is called the Power of Regret. This was a great read. I read it in about two days and I'm going to explore the concepts in this podcast episode. Take a listen.

Speaker 1:

I recently posted a blog article called Cultivating Work-Life Balance and it was all about top tips for leaders and there's probably nothing earth shattering in that particular blog Things like setting boundaries and prioritization, learning how to say no, delegating, etc. Of course, like most things, we don't always think about practicing them, so I think they're common sense. Most things. We don't always think about practicing them, so I think they're common sense, not necessarily common practice. But one of the things that really jumped out to me as I was processing a lot about work-life balance is that I have never had it. I've never been good at it. And I look back on my life at this point in my life and I have some regrets about how much I focused on my career sometimes yes, maybe often at the expense of my family and my relationships. So when I think about that, I feel that twinge of regret. Oh, you know that feeling, don't you? But for me, regret was always something bad. If I look back and I thought, oh, guilt or disappointment, that's not good, right. So then you hear people say, well, no regrets, just don't look back, don't regret things, which I think is also unrealistic. It was always kind of a bit confusing to me. Should I have regrets, should I not? What are they leading me towards? Because I do think the decisions that I've made throughout my life have led me to where I am today and I'm certainly at my happiest and most fulfilled, both personally and professionally. So I think, okay, should I really regret those things?

Speaker 1:

Anyway, in comes Daniel Pink, who was a speaker at the ATD Conference Association for Talent Development in New Orleans this year the ATD Conference Association for Talent Development in New Orleans this year and I have never heard him speak live and I loved it. He had all kinds of tips for how we can survive in today's world amongst chaos and how difficult that is, but he gave some amazing tips. He also talked a bit about his new book, which was called the Power of Regret. I was very intrigued because I thought, oh, there's something that I am conflicted about is is it good to have regrets or not, and how can I think about it? So, of course, at this training conference I ordered, like you know, 30 books, but one of them was his book, and he has done the World Regret Survey. It is one of the largest sampling of American attitudes about regret and he's collected more than 16,000 regrets from people in 105 countries. He also looks at this as the question of should we have regrets and, if so, why? And exploring this concept. I wanted to do kind of a book report about this particular read because I thought it was awesome, I loved it, loved it, and I think I don't want you to replace getting the book through listening to this podcast. Rather, I hope this podcast episode intrigues you enough to order the book and then think about regret for yourself.

Speaker 1:

So he looked at regrets and one of the things that he talked about a lot in this book is that regret is a human experience, that it is something that makes us better, and by thinking about our regrets we can actually clarify important things that we value. And I thought, okay, if it's human to regret and if regret can do us some good, I certainly want to look back on some of the things that I have regretted and work them through in a way that helps me go forward and not look back with disappointment. One of the things that he discovered in all this research was that there were four core regret categories, so these were consistent themes. One of the themes was foundational regrets and I'll explain these but foundational boldness, moral and connection. As he looked at the categories these four categories he explored what it was that essentially people regretted, that contributed to these patterns, and then how to move forward. But the one thing that he says about regrets being human is that regrets stir up emotion.

Speaker 1:

So we can look at regrets in a couple ways. One is we can look at regrets in a couple ways. One is we can look at regrets and just ignore them, but if we ignore our feelings, we have a sense of delusion, we compartmentalize, tuck it away and pretend it didn't happen. But you know what? That doesn't really serve us well because it's always in that mental file cabinet in our brain, diluting ourselves that we shouldn't have done something rather than processing. It is not going to help us. Number two he said we could take that feeling of regret and just continuously feel it and you feel it again and again. Oh my gosh, that's very much despair. If we ignore it, we delude ourselves. If we feel it too much and too constantly without processing it, then we're going to create despair for ourselves. His idea in this book about our humanity with regards to regrets is that when we feel them and think about them, feeling is thinking and then thinking becomes doing. So we don't just feel it, we think about it. We think about it and that translates into action. And that is the human quality of regret is doing that and processing it in that way is doing that and processing it in that way.

Speaker 1:

Think about in your life if you can see yourself in any of these four core regrets. Number one I mentioned is foundation. This whole bucket of regrets is about our failure to be responsible or conscientious or prudent, and the majority of regrets in his regret survey were things about education or financial decisions or people's overall health and well-being. Basically, are you taking care of the things that give you a foundationally good life, like that education, like making wise financial decisions, or you know all those healthy habits and I think about for myself. Man, that's where I'm rickety at best. I can look back on different parts of my life and think, ooh, I'm very inconsistent with my health. I did great on education, financially doing okay Health I have some improvements there but foundational regrets are one.

Speaker 1:

Number two is boldness, and I thought this was really interesting. It's the chances that we didn't take, and the things that haunt us in life tend to be when we do not take action. And I think about that. Ooh, a fair amount, even right now with my business and I have had an LLC for many, many years, but I didn't go with full focus into my LLC until the end of 2019. Well, right before the pandemic, which was great timing. But I'm just saying I regret not taking bold action sooner. I was very conservative. I still am in some ways, but I think throughout my life I thought it was responsible of me to use caution and to be conservative, and I don't think that has always served me well Foundational regrets, boldness, regrets.

Speaker 1:

The third one, not surprisingly, are moral regrets when we behave poorly or we compromise our beliefs in our own goodness. I think this one too. It's so interesting to look back. You know, I remember a moment when I criticized a former boss of mine in front of his boss. It was poorly done. It was when I was politically very immature. I was immature in a lot of different ways early on in my career and I regret. I remember that moment. I remember saying something inappropriate. I remember the look on his face and I remember the surprise of his manager and I insulted him flat out and I thought, ooh, there's an example of a moral regret that I have that I will never forget. It's a very small incident. I look back and I'm disappointed in myself, but that's just one little example over all the years. I bet there's more, but that was the first one that came to my mind.

Speaker 1:

And then the fourth one is connection regrets. Anytime that we neglect the people who help establish our own sense of wholeness, ah yes, this is a biggie for me and this is the one that, as we cultivate work-life balance similar to the blog article I wrote is when we are shortchanging the connections that we have and typically probably it's work dominating the people that we should be focusing on our family, our loved ones, making time for friends, community, whatever it is for you and that is probably one of my biggest category of regret is, I worked really hard and I do appreciate and value my work ethic and what it's brought to me and to my life and to people around me, but very, very often I think I did it at the expense of my connections, my friends, my family, my relationship. So what do we do with all of this? So as I was reading, I'm like, oh great, I can find regrets in all four categories Super fun. Now what do I do about it?

Speaker 1:

And I think what I love about Daniel Pink is he doesn't just leave you hanging like, okay, go ruminate in your misery, but he gives some really great lessons about how to process regrets in your life. And I think this is the value of this book for me is I don't have to look back on those regrets and just feel disappointment or embarrassment or shame or look back and think, oh shoulda, coulda, ugh. Instead, what he talks about is that regrets tend to be the other side of our values, when we value things like stability and growth and goodness and love. Those four core regrets of foundation boldness, moral and connection are those values coming to life for us. He helps to process those couldas and shouldas and he gives a lot of great insights in his book with what to do about it. And what I love is he talks about disclosure as part of it that talking about regrets can be super helpful Also having compassion for ourselves, being able to be as compassionate with ourselves as we would for a loved one, and then also to practice a little bit of self-distance in looking back at the things we did and the choices we made and trying to take a more objective perspective on it. So when he talks about disclosure and compassion and self-distancing, it is a way to process fully those regrets and that feeling to thinking is the thinking to doing. Then he has some suggestions for what to do.

Speaker 1:

Going forward and this was the part that brought me a lot of peace is one of his awesome tips and I did this and this is where I saw the pattern for me over many decades of my life is, he said, to do a failure resume. Isn't that an awesome idea? A failure resume where you write down all the things that you literally effed up and I'm like, oh, I can do that. And as I wrote my failure resume, that's where I saw my pattern of connection regrets being the most profound in my life the times that I missed opportunities to be there for my family, for my friends and in my relationships because I put work first and even though having a strong work ethic is great for foundational purposes, right For financial well-being and security and responsibility and all that good stuff, I think I could have had more balance and better balance in my life. And when I look back I see the pattern very clearly. So I thought, ooh, this is great insight and I kind of knew that. So it wasn't like this was a shocking plot twist, as much as clarity to help me go forward.

Speaker 1:

That as I go forward and over the last year I think I've been doing this so much better is to stay connected to the people I love, to be available, to be present, and much more present than I ever have been in the past, and I think that's the beauty of Daniel Pink's book and research is we don't have to look backwards and beat ourselves up and feel guilty and feel shame and feel disappointment. We can take a peek at our past and we can use it in a healthy, helpful way to go forward, to do things differently, no matter where we are in our lives. We can go forward, to do something differently so that we minimize future regrets. Minimize future regrets, and I think that is the huge power in his book and, as I look at this title, the Power of Regret. That's what I feel at the end of reading this. I feel like that kind of reflection was very, very powerful for me.

Speaker 1:

If any of this resonates with you, if you look back on your life, if you struggle with work-life balance, if you struggle with the choices that you're making or that you've made, I urge you to take the time to explore it, because if you're willing to look back, if you're willing to do that for yourself, I promise you you can go forward, being stronger, being more capable and feeling more personal power. And who doesn't want that? I know I do. At the end of the book, daniel Pink also invites you to submit your own regret to the World Regret Survey. Putting your regret into writing can offer you the distance to evaluate it and plan from it. You could also then read other people's regrets and that will give you insight into our shared humanity.